This Sunday, the New Jersey Association of Community Theatre will be presenting their annual
Wake-up Monday Morning Still Feeling Intoxicated Awards Perry Award ceremony – a night where community theater celebrities (that’s an oxymoron) gather together to celebrate themselves their fellow artists.
If you’re going to the big ceremony on Sunday, don’t give us a reason to hate you (unless you’ve already given us a reason – yes, I’m looking at YOU creepy lead actor that hits on the ensemble girls). Follow these tips and you’ll have a good time!
THE DRESS CODE
Look, I am the first one that will encourage any and all rebel tendencies at award shows, but at least TRY to follow the dress code. The theme this year is Black & White (Thanks, Obama) – don’t shun that. If you do shun it, CONGRATULATIONS! You found a way to stand out from the crowd! Also, CONGRATULATIONS! You’re the recipient of “Side Eye Galore”.
Also, ladies, make sure your goodies are tucked away. Fellas, make sure you wear dress socks – and if you have goodies, make sure yours are tucked away as well.
DON’T GET TOO DRUNK
We ALL love to drink alcohol at the Perry Awards. We all like to hide a little “sumthin-sumthin” underneath our table or in our purses or in our Coca Cola bottles (road soda, anyone?). But please, for the love of Howard Whitmore, don’t get too wasted DURING the ceremony.
Being drunk and disorderly during the Perry Awards is like being Donald Trump – you think everyone’s liking you, but in the end, you’re gonna look like a fool who hates Mexicans. By all means, get lit, but save the good stuff for the post-ceremony make-out sessions.
SMILE, EVEN AROUND PEOPLE YOU DON’T LIKE
Accept it right now – there’s going to be people at the ceremony that you don’t like. If you’re around someone you don’t like, smile, tell them you loved their work in Seussical and/or Legally Blonde (everyone’s done at least one of those shows), walk away, and then post a subliminal Facebook status about them. See! It’s simple!
The Perry Awards are NOT the time to settle beefs. Save the drama for the post-ceremony make-out session.
PREPARE AN ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
Even if you don’t think you’ll win, prepare one any way. Just have a few names prepared, at least. Thank your production team, your cast, your wife, your husband, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your lover, that guy you “accidentally” hooked up with in college, and God … I think that covers everybody.
BE A GRACIOUS LOSER
You have a better chance of losing your category than winning. I’m not being mean, I’m just stating statistical, mathematical facts. The chances of you losing are high, but there’s no need to be a poop-head about it. Smile, congratulate the people that won both publicly and privately, and enjoy the view from the high moral ground.
Look, if you lose, there’s always next year. In the meantime, take out your frustrations during the post-ceremony make-out session.
Kyrus Keenan Westcott will be co-hosting The Perry Awards again this year!
Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @kyruskeenan