Okay, let’s be honest, Trivia Crack in 2015 is going to be what Candy Crush was last year, what Words With Friends was in 2013, and what Farmville was back in 14th century. (People still send me Farmville requests… listen folks, it ain’t gonna happen…)
Trivia Crack is the best game out right now, and it is sweeping the nation. What makes the game great is that you are a proven genius one second for knowing which continent the Statue of Liberty is in, and a couple seconds later, you get the dreaded “Art” category, and you lose your shit because you don’t know the difference between a Michelangelo painting and a Leonardo painting. (They were both mutant turtles, right?)
But the true winner of Trivia Crack are those characters that represent each category. Let’s take a second and start off 2015 by breaking down these characters that we are starting to fall in love with.
THE GEOGRAPHY GUY
- This guy is making the face we all make when we realize that we’re about to answer a question about the geographical location of some random river in China that we didn’t even know existed.
- Will somebody get this poor guy an umbrella? I feel bad for this dude every time he pops up onto my screen. It ruins my mood.
- Why is it raining on him? Maybe God hates him for asking what the capitol of Bolivia is. (It’s Sucre, by the way… I didn’t know that until three seconds ago when I lost a friggin’ challenge because of it… screw you, Sucre, screw you.)
THE ART & LITERATURE GUY
- Wipe that smile off your face, you bastard. If it should rain on anybody, it should be you.
- You are consistently my worst category. Which upsets my mother, because she spent thousands of dollars for me to get a BFA. Thank you, you red fart-face, for rendering that arts degree 100% useless.
- What the hell is that on top of your head? You look like a rejected Pokemon.
- Screw you.
THE ENTERTAINMENT GUY
- By far, my best category. Which means that I love you with all of my heart and soul. You are usually the first crown I go for, and when I lose you in a challenge, I yearn for the day that I can win you back, my love.
- Thank you for embracing your pink-ness. You are loud and proud, and it looks as if you are about to start doing the YMCA.
- Refrain from asking me questions about Twilight. I did not see those movies and I do not plan on seeing them. All I know about the Twilight movies is that there are white people in it … and I doubt that’s a question in your repertoire.
THE HISTORY GUY
- You look like you’re wearing a costume that is twice your size. I’ll buy you a gift card to Old Navy… c’mon, let’s go shopping.
- Some of your questions are really hard, but you make up for it by asking me questions like, “What is the last name of a famous Adolf?” (Which prompted me to Google search other famous people named Adolf… I found this.)
- At first I thought that your face was darkened because the shadow of the helmet was darkening your face. But then after you asked me all these questions about random African countries, I realized that you’re a black guy! (Shalom, my brotha.)
THE SPORTS GUY
- Why are your hands on your hips like that? You look like a sassy gay man dressed as a flamboyant football player on Halloween.
- THANK YOU for asking me questions like “Who is the current quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys?”
- THANK YOU for asking me questions like “Which of these four teams have never won a Super Bowl?” (The answer was the Stinkadelphia Eagles.)
- SCREW YOU for asking me questions about the sport of cricket. CRICKET?! (Seriously though … cricket?)
THE SCIENCE GUY
- You look like a couple different things… most of which are quite inappropriate to write on this blog……….
- …………….okay, you look like a condom…………….
- Dear Trivia Crack, please change this mascot………..
AND IN THE END
(“It doesn’t even maaaatttteeeeeerrrrrrrrrr…”)
Trivia Crack… I love you. Please continue to completely ruin and destroy any and all plans I have before work, during work, after work, before dinner, during dinner, after dinner, before a kiss, during a kiss, after a kiss, and before I go to sleep.
Stay classy Trivia Crack… and seriously, change your Science mascot…
Written by Kyrus Keenan Westcott