The Art of Unfriending Someone On Facebook

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I did it! I have been on Facebook for over ten years now, and I did something today that I have only done TWICE in my entire Facebook life… I went 24 hours without taking a selfie I UNFRIENDED SOMEBODY… and wow… it felt REALLY good.

Back in the day, before these young whipper-snappers were Facebooking and Snapchatting and Twittering each other (giggity), a friendship required face-to-face experiences in order to be considered legitimate. Back in the day, before these young whipper-snappers (get off my lawn!) were Instagraming, Vine-ing, and Googling each other (again, giggity), if you had an issue with someone, you would have to handle it using REAL, audible words … not passive aggressive Facebook status updates that make every single person on your friend list think to themselves, “Wait… are they talking about me?!”

It was a different time back then, and I miss it. But with the changing of the times has come a GREAT way to give “that person” what they deserve. This thing that I speak of … is a beautiful tool called: UNFRIENDING.

WHAT IS UNFRIENDING?

Ugh, I love saying the word UNFRIEND. It’s beautiful. In today’s world, no friendship is real unless you sign the Facebook friendship contract. And once you’re friends on Facebook, you’re bonded. You’re stuck with that person.

What if I told you that there is a way BREAK that “bond” with that annoying person? Why continue to put up with their annoying Facebook rants about how Barack Obama created ebola? Why continue to look at pictures of a couple that are obviously going to break-up in two weeks? (I feel like Morpheus right now.) You can UNFRIEND them! I did this for the second time yesterday, and my Lord, it felt GOOD.

So this got me thinking? Perhaps I should continue to UNFRIEND people that annoy me every day on my Facebook feed. So to help me with this quest, I put together a list of reasons why I may UNFRIEND someone over the next day or so…

NOTE: I 100% realize that YOU may unfriend ME because, maybe, I am that annoying person to you on Facebook. If that is the case, I completely understand and I look forward to awkwardly running into you at the mall at some point in the near future.

REASON #1 – The Facebook Friend That Spoils TV Shows

I don’t watch The Walking Dead, but if I did, I know I’d be PISSED at those people that post spoiler-ish statuses. C’mon… not everybody has seen what you have seen yet. Some of us have lives and cannot watch shows when you can, so keep your mouth shut, at least for a week or two. (I swear, if any of you ruin what happens in the season finale of Muppet Babies, I’ll be PISSED.) This is cause for an IMMEDIATE unfriending.

REASON #2 – Befriending the Unfriender

You unfriended me, and I am pissed. So I wait a year or two and send you a friend request. For some reason, you accept me as a friend on Facebook. After about 24-48 hours, I unfriend YOU.

Maturity at its best.

REASON #3 – Spammer

I don’t care if your account was hacked, or if you really are offering me $1-million from a Nigerian prince… if you tag me in some sort of advertisement or spam, you will be defriended immediately. (Change your password and THEN we’ll revisit our Facebook friendship.)

REASON #4 – Gruesome Pictures & Videos

You found a picture of a dead body. Cool. But I swear, if you post a picture of that dead body, or of a person getting mutilated by a train, I will be pissed. I’ll be mad because I don’t want to watch that stuff, but for some reason, I can’t look away when it autoplays on my Facebook feed. And now, because of YOU and my inability to continue scrolling, I know what it looks like when a person fights a hungry tiger… and loses…

REASON #5 – You Explain Your Political Views… POORLY

Okay fine, you don’t like Barack Obama or George Bush or whoever you decidedly despise. But if you are going to explain to the world why your view on American politics is right and everyone else is wrong, take this bit of advice: Don’t be misinformed. Bad and/or inaccurate political information spreads faster than a picture of a cute kitten kissing a newborn baby on a rainbow. Don’t contribute to the advancement of bad information. Do your research, PLEASE. The moment you start comparing Benghazi to the Holocaust… you’re out of my life forever.

IN CONCLUSION

Look, there is a reason that I’ve only unfriended two people in ten years. In all honesty, I talk a big game about unfriending people on Facebook, but I’d rather avoid the whole, “Why aren’t we Facebook friends anymore conversation.” So please know, if I unfriend you, it’s because I REALLY don’t like you, or you just annoyed me on the wrong day at the wrong time. I guess the moral of this story is – DON’T BE AN ASS.

Seriously though.

#ky

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