Alright, so on a normal day, I would imagine that any person reading this blog entry would consider themselves a human being, right? Unless Lady Gaga is reading this… Ms. Gaga, you let someone throw up on you… on purpose… while you were singing… in front of people… humans don’t do that… so I have no idea what you are… CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO EVIDENCE – Click at your own risk… it’s disgusting.
Anyway, the rest of us normal people (that haven’t had someone throw up on them… well, since college) consider ourselves to be generally stabilized individuals. We have jobs, we have friends, we watch Dance Moms (stop judging me), and we live fairly basic, sane lives. But for some reason, when we begin to like someone, or if we begin to have a crush on someone, our hearts and our brains convert us into sociopaths. I see it with my friends all the time, and Lord knows that I have had similar instances.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT KY?
Okay, let me explain. Have you ever met someone that is really pretty, or handsome, or smart,
or horny, or driven, or sexy, or fashionable? I am talking about that person you meet and they are everything that you look for in a mate and more, well at least that is what your brain is telling you. You meet this person, and you turn into an elementary school student with a stutter and buck-teeth when you try to say even the simplest of sentences around them. (“Hello attractive person! My favorite color is MONDAY! … Wait, what? What am I saying?! AHH! My life!”)
So you think this person is attractive on the inside and the outside, so you take a chance by talking to them, and guess what? Not only do they talk BACK to you, but you get the SMALLEST of an inkling that they may ACTUALLY find you a little attractive too!
LET THE PSYCHO PARTY BEGIN
It is at THIS point that you turn into that borderline psychopath that is mentioned in the title of this blog. You found a doorway in, and you want to express your interest, without coming off as a psycho to the person your crushin’ on, BUT you end up doing things that could be considered downright CRAZYYYYY. And you also don’t want to scare them away, but you aren’t 100% sure if they ACTUALLY like you in the first place, or whether you’re just going nuts … so you play it cool on the outside, but on the inside you just want the other person to just text you saying, “It’s okay. Relax. I like you a little bit too. lol”
There is no sentence in the entire history of languages that is more reassuring and gratifying than that.
4 BATSHIT CRAZY THINGS THAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY HAVE A CRUSH
When we have a crush, or if we (both men and women) really like someone, we do some crazy things. So I have taken the time out of my
catch up on SVU night busy schedule to highlight the top four batshit crazy things that people do when they have a crush on someone. Sometimes, these crazy things will result in you getting into a great relationship … but most of the time, it ends with you “finally relating to that Taylor Swift song”. (Once again… stop judging me.)
4. The Facebook Magnifying Glass
I’ll never forget a date I went on last year in which the girl I was sitting across from brought up one of my favorite television shows, LOST. (“WALLLTTTTT!”) I was ecstatic that she brought it up because it was a great first date conversation topic. So I asked her, “Who was your favorite character? Mine was Desmond.” She replied, “Oh, there’s so many to choose from! I can’t pick just one!”
In the interest of time and not getting personally frustrated… I’ll make a long story short. 30 seconds after that conversation began, it ended. She never saw the show… couldn’t even tell me what network it was on. Come to find out, and yes, she did admit this to me later that night, before our date, she scoured my Facebook trying to learn as much about me as possible, and she saw that LOST was one of my favorite shows.
For some reason, when we REALLY like someone, we look at their Facebook/Twitter/Instagram with a magnifying glass. Every status update, every profile picture, every cover photo … we look at it, we study it, and we imbed it into our brains. Sure, the attempt at a LOST convo was cute (in retrospect) was cute, but if you end up mentioning a long-distance cousin that I have NEVER told you about… then the date is over … and you will unfriended on Facebook, meaning that you will no longer exist to me. (Hello 21st century!)
“Don’t worry! I just want to know every little detail about you without your acknowledgment or permission … this is how romance begins, right?”
3. Analyze Every Word You Send to Me
I think I should receive an honorary degree from Harvard University for my over-analysis of text messages I receive from a person that I have a crush on. For every text or Facebook message you receive, you begin to successfully (and unfortunately) go through about 500 different potential meanings behind that one text. (“Ahh! Did that winky face mean I LOVE YOU? Or did it mean that you never wanna talk to me again?! AHH MY LIFE!”)
2. That One Sentence Text Message You Got From Me … Yeah, That Took 45 Minutes to Write
If I like you, you may not realize this, but the text message I just wrote you did not just flow off my fingers like David Blaine making a dove appear out of thin air. That shit took time to write. What you don’t realize is that the message you received was, most likely, the 50th attempt at putting together a sentence that is anything remotely resembling the English language.
For example, let’s just say that my crush texts me saying, “Hey, how was the show you saw last night?” Here is how my train of thought usually goes:
“Hey you! Oklahoma wasn’t too bad! The conflict between Curly and Jud Fry is the epitome of great dramatic theater within musicals. Anyway, give me a call sometime, I’d love to talk more about it with you!”
Nah, too serious. *erase*
“Hey hey hey! Oklahoma was great! I have been thinking about it all day! It’s my favorite musical ever! Anyway, let’s talk soon ;)”
Nah… shouldn’t end that with a winky face… *erase*
“Heyyyyy! Ugh, I can’t stand Oklahoma! It’s just a ridiculous show. It needs to be destroyed. Whatever. Anyway, let’s talk soon.”
Ugh, but what if she likes Oklahoma? I can’t risk it. *erase*
“Oklahoma was definitely a show with music in it.”
WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! *erase*
1. The Case of the Ex
It does not matter whether your previous relationship ended great, mutually, or horribly … you’ll always find a comparison to your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. Sometimes these comparisons happen inadvertently, but other times, you are blatantly comparing your current crush to your former flame. As you take the time to go through their Facebook page with a magnifying glass, you’ll find yourself saying, “Well… he/she is wayyyy better looking than my ex in a bathing suit.” Or, “God, I hope my ex isn’t mutual friends with my crush. I am praying to the Gods of Jelly.”
Listen, we will always have crushes. There will be those times that you speak with someone that gives you that amazing feeling in your gut when you see their name pop up on the screen of your phone, even if you don’t know them that well. And that’s okay! Sometimes that gut feeling is mutual, sometimes it’s not. Either way, get the hell off of their Facebook page, be bold, try to talk to them like a human being, and don’t play games. 🙂
Damnit … why did I end this blog post with a smiley face?!