Ky’s Guide to Understanding the Crazy, Sex Filled World of TINDER

Okay, so I will get straight to the point here: for the past couple of months, a couple friends of mine were always talking about this phone app called Tinder. I said, “What the hell is Tinder?” My friend responded, “It’s just like Grindr, except for straight people (sorta).” To which I responded, “Okay… so what the hell is Grindr? And why are they deliberately taking the “E” out of Grindr?! Ugh!  *old man voice* GET OFF MY LAWN!”

After explaining about how horrific my dating life has been this past year, they recommended that I join this Tinder community. I was reluctant at first, but I eventually gave in joined this crazy Tinder universe.

WHAT EXACTLY IS TINDER?

So if you were anything like me (old), then you are curious as to what Tinder is. So, I contacted my really good friends over at Wikipedia (we have been really close friends since my college term paper days) and they provided me with this accurate definition:

Tinder is a location based social discovery app that facilitates communication between mutually interested users. It is used for one night stands dating as well as other kinds of networking.

Using Facebook profiles, the NSA Tinder gathers users’ basic information and analyzes users’ social graph to match potential candidates that are most likely to be compatible based on geographical location, number of mutual friends and sexual preferences common interests.

HOW DOES THIS THING ACTUALLY WORK?

Now, on the Tinder app, a picture of a potential suitor will pop up on your screen. You’ll use your finger to lose any sense of dignity swipe LIKE or NOPE to the person. If you swipe the picture to the left, then you are saying, “No, I am not interested in this person.” … and if you swipe the picture to the right, then you are saying, “I am open to communicating with this person… take me to your leader.”

Once you say LIKE to someone, then they’ll get a notification saying that you’re interested. If you are not interested, then you can do away with them. If you ARE interested, you can also say LIKE and begin having a conversation with said person.

THINGS TO AVOID ON TINDER … OR YOU’LL NEVER GET LAID MEET THE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO MEET

I haven’t been on Tinder for long, but I have been on long enough to know what “bad Tinder habits” are out there that people will HATE. If you are looking for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, or if you’re just looking for a nice booty call, or if you just want people to swipe LIKE to your picture more often … then here are some things that you should avoid doing on your Tinder account:

10. Don’t Post Close-up Selfies

Okay, if there is anybody that is the king of close-up selfies (or selfies in general), it’s me. It is a mastered craft that I have been perfecting ever since I ran out of shits to give about what people think. Close-up selfies are okay on Instagram or Facebook, but they are not okay on Tinder. People on Tinder are looking for booty calls possible dates, and in today’s society, we need to see what we’re physically getting into. So taking pictures of your eyelashes or your ear  is a surefire way to get swiped to the left. You see, my generation is frightened that if you zoom out on those close-up selfie pictures, we’ll find out that you’re actually a raccoon or Amanda Bynes.

9. Don’t Post Pictures of You When You Were a Little Kid

The whole point of Tinder is to date people based solely on how physically attractive you are. (NEWSFLASH: Nobody reads that little blurb you write under your picture as much as you think.) Honestly ladies, do you want to date a guy who wants to date you because you were a cute 8 year old? #creeperalert

8. Group Pictures are Confusing!

Don’t post group pictures! How am I supposed to know which girl you are?! Are you the one doing the keg stand in the background? Are you the one arguing with your ex on the left? Are you the one missing a tooth?! Your main picture should be a solo picture, not a group picture. #aintnobodygottimeforthat #lordjesustheresafire

7. Booooooooooobs

Ladies, you want to avoid creepers on Tinder? Then don’t post close-up pictures of your boobies. Need I say more?

6. There, They’re, and Their – Grammar, Please

Okay people, you want to find a smart person on Tinder good luck, then you need to use good grammar in your messages. Let’s say you do get to strike up a conversation with a woman, using bad grammar or purposely shortening “U” and “R” in your messages will not get you anywhere. This one girl sent me a message saying, “Yo hun, how r u” … she was blocked 2 seconds later.

5. Keep the First Date Simple

Let’s be honest folks, on a first date, you want to always have an exit strategy that is quick and painless. Dinner dates can make that difficult. Go out for shots coffee or a small lunch as a first date. Seriously, unless you are feeling really strong about this person, nobody wants to commit to a big activity that they can’t escape from within one text message. (A true Tinder date should result in a drink, throwing a couple bucks on the table, and bouncing if it comes down to it. #preachpasterKy)

4. Don’t Be a Debbie-Downer in Your Tinder Profile

Talking about your dead dog or how sad you are about your ex leaving you is a sure way to get a swipe to the left, especially if you’re a guy. Leave it for the 4th date or something when you two are opening your hearts to each other. (“Oh, you’re dog died… that sucks… wanna have sex?”)

3. Fellas … Don’t Use the Word “Baby”

No woman wants to get a message starting with, “Hey baby…” … like, seriously. Especially if that’s the first thing you are saying to this person… #youreanass

2. Booty Call Hours – Open for Business

Okay, if you send a message to a potential suitor after 11:00pm on a Friday or Saturday evening … that only means one thing: you’re a lonely cat lady you want to get laid – TONIGHT. Nobody wants to talk politics at 11:15pm on a Friday unless it leads to a sleepover or a full-on make-out session.

1: DO NOT INVITE SOMEONE OVER TO YOUR HOUSE/APARTMENT ON THE FIRST DATE

This is particularly for the ladies. I am a guy, and there are some guys that I personally know, and I surely wouldn’t trust them with my hypothetical daughter. If they ask to come over … block them immediately. I understand most people on Tinder are looking to take 295 to Bangtown, but sometimes, it’s better to purposely get stuck in traffic on Route 1 toward Kiss-on-the-Cheekville.

#ky

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