Yay! It’s Thanksgiving! Today is the day that your cell gets littered with mass-texts of cartoon Turkeys. (Please, please stop doing that… I beg you…) Today is the day that Americans gather around tables with their families and eat way past the point of physical comfort while drinking an excess amount of alcohol, while watching grown men tackle each other over a ball. (Go sports!)
So, if you are anything like me, you try to think of ways to possibly ruin Turkey Day. I am talking about ruining it so much that you get written out of your Grandmother’s will. So if you are looking for ways to ruin Thanksgiving with the family, follow these important tips:
One: Talk Politics and Government – If you are my age (26), then it is almost a certainty that your baby boomer relatives have a completely different view on politics than you. You want to start a shouting match with Uncle Ron from Arkansas? Bring up how much you adore Obamacare. (If you don’t want to talk politics, you can keep the conversation light by bringing up whether God exists.)
Two: Bring Up Pregnancy – There is only one time to bring up pregnancy, and that is AFTER the baby is born. So, if you want to cause some shit, ask your cousin that you haven’t seen since Thanksgiving 2012 how the baby is coming along … here’s hoping she just put on a few pounds from her freshman year of college.
Three: Cook a Fake Tofurkey – Vegetarians – can’t live with them, can’t shoot them. (Jokes and jokes.) You want to ruin Thanksgiving for them? Cook a turkey – and call it a tofurkey – serve it to the vegetarian – take out your camera, and record their faces when they figure out they are eating actual turkey. (I’m a terrible person.)
Four: Offer Jack Daniels to a Recovering Alcoholic – These are troubled times in America. There’s no telling who’s a social drinker and who’s a raging alcoholic. (Usually it’s person passed out on the floor.) Offer Drunk Creeper Uncle Bobby a bottle of Jack when he gets back from his AA meeting.
Five: Put on an Inappropriate Post Dinner Movie – Ruin Thanksgiving by putting on a movie that NOBODY wants to or should watch. Some examples include:
- Stripper Zombies
- A Michael Moore documentary.
- An edited version of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? that only features Jessica Rabbit’s scenes.
- Any of the Twilight movies.
Six: Debbie Downer Native American Rant – As we go around the table saying what we’re thankful for, use this opportunity to rant about how we totallllly screwed over the Native Americans. Your rant can then dissolve into segregation, ghettoization of Native American territories, and all of the herpes we brought over to America. It’s a downer convo, and a sure-fire way to ruin Thanksgiving!
With that said – HAPPY THANKSGIVING AMERICA! Be safe and enjoy your time with friends and family!
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